When it all comes to a head

18 May

I am writing this on my phone so I don’t know how well it will turn out, but my head is overflowing with pain, confusion, frustration, disbelief, sadness, and worry.  There has been a lot of stuff that has happened since the last time I wrote. First we moved away from the place I called home for 32 years and moved 2 1/2 hours away. We uprooted our whole life and didn’t look back. One down fall to though is now I don’t have any type of support system here. I didn’t know I would need one in the future.  We moved to get a fresh start for my autistic son. He was being bullied so bad at school he tried to take his own life twice. So we moved and start over with almost nothing. When we got here I was able to find a high risk mental health agency that could help children like my son as well as getting him in an ABA clinic too. I thought things were looking up. I found a job I loved and am attending school online to get my BA in Phsycology with a concentrate in child and adolescence development. My child with ASD discover drama and fell in love with acting. My 11 yr old joined band and the wrestling team. Then it all came crashing down. One day I noticed scratches on my daughters arms (wow, it feels odd when I use that term, but more on that later)and pulled her into the room to talk. I let her tell me they came from a bush she fell into, but I wasn’t buying it. As a recovering cutter myself, I knew what I was looking at. I just said to her “thanks for sharing that, now tell me the truth”, she wasn’t prepared for that. I think it throw her off so much that she had to tell me the truth. Turns out she had been being molested for years by a family member and I had no idea. The cutting was to help ease her emotional pain. She then said she had something else to tell me, and then proceeded to tell me she had a crush on a girl and she was scared I would hate her for it. I am not that person and I told her so. I said I didn’t care who she liked I just wanted her to be happy. It seemed like things were getting better once I got her a thearipist and psychiatrist from the same place my ASD child is and reported what she shared with me to the cops in our home town. Then one day she told me that she wasn’t a girl on the inside, she was a boy and she hated her body. If you are familiar with Gender Dysphoria this is a classic symptom. I told him I would support and love him no matter what. I told him I would take him to cut his hair, buy a new masculine wardrobe, use male pronouns, and he could chose a name to go by but I would still call him the gender neutral nick name I gave when he was a baby, a name I literally fought for against my abuse ex-husband. I did however tell him he had to wait until he was 18 to start T and persue any surgery he is considering. That way if there is a possibility of him changing his mind within the next four years, there was no perminate changes done that needed to be reversed if it was possible to. Don’t get me wrong, I grieved for all the things I would never get to experience with my daughter and I question weither or not I was doing the right thing by being supportive. So I did a lot of research on Gender Dysphoria and identifying as transgender. I learned that some young children who identified as transgender when they were younger  grow out of it, whereas if it kicks in when kids are older, around the time they hit puberty it is more likely to be perminate. I also found that the suicide rate for trans teens was more the tripled when they did not have support from their family. I took the time to join a parent support group for those who have transgender children. I have tried to learn all the  terms and truly try to understand. One term I learn, I use a lot when referring to him to those who do not know much about it, or to those who knew him as a girl. The term is Female to male or FTM. It is a really effective term to use to describe him to family members or friends who knew him before he started transitioning. When talking to the thearipist and psychiatrist I was informed that my child was not only dealing with PTSD and extreme anxiety caused by what happened to him but he also had Bi-Polar disorder. Things seemed to improved after he started Trauma Focused Cognitive behavioral  therapy and taking anti-anxiety, anti-depressant and mood stabelizing medication. Then about two months ago I got a call from his therapist who is only allowed to disclose what was talked about if someone was in danger of hurting themselves or someone else. She tells me she is concerned about his safety because he has told her he had a plan and a way to kill himself, he was just waiting for the gun his boyfriend was bring for them to use together. I had to take him to the ER for a 51/50 check. In the end he side a crisis plan and was allowed to go home because I told them I would be keeping a close eye on him for the next 24 hours. After this incident it seemed like things were getting back to normal, we even bought him two therapy guinnie pigs. Then the call came yesterday afternoon. It was his therapist again. He had shown her where he had started cutting again and it had been going on for two weeks. He then told her he had intentionally took more of his ant-depressants then directed, he didn’t want to wake up. When I sat down with him, I was mad as hell, hurt, and terrified. I had to walk away after a few minutes before I said something I would regret later. Before I did he told me he needed to go somewhere to get help. He wants to be admitted into a facility for a 72 hour hold to be evaluated by mental health professionals. As I write this he is in his room with the door open at all times and before he was allowed to go in there, his room was searched for sharp objects and things that could be use to harm oneself with. This is what makes me feel like a horrible parent; I was so mad when I found out. I felt like I was a prisoner and he my emotional keeper. If I didn’t take him he would run the risk of hurting himself and if I took him we would be there for hours and I would have to miss work the next day, which was not a possibility with me trying to get promoted, so I can continue to take care of my family. So I made him go to school this morning were I knew he would be safe there and then arranged for me to be able to get out of work before he got home from school. I am not taking any chance to give him an opportunity to hurt himself. I don’t know what to do any more. I am so overwhelmed and lost.

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