An open letter for all who are not prepared: For the lost, scared, and confused. It’s okay to not feel ok.

30 Sep

It has been quite a while since I have written anything with any kind of substance…if  there ever really was. There have been many things in life we are not prepared for. When I was a child I was not prepared to live in such a volitional household so I started cutting . As a teenager I was not ready for all the responsibility that came with having a child at seventeen and deal with all the pain and suffering that came with being married to someone who thought a good time was hurting his wife and children, so I tried to make us as invisible as possible. As a young adult I wasn’t prepared to be a single mother of two children not yet out of diapers and the depression, anxiety and PTSD that came along with being a domestic violence survivor so I struggled alone.  I wasn’t prepared to trust anyone, especially men who said they cared about me so I began cutting again. When I started taking steps to getting out in the world again I wasn’t prepared to properly cope so I fell in with the wrong crowed and started doing drugs. I wasn’t prepared for the bad elements I was inviting into my life so I was raped. I wasn’t prepared to handle that kind of violation and the repercussion of my acts so I lost my my children for a week. When this happened it was the wake up call I need to drop the people in my life who were a bad influence and kick the drugs. Then one day when I was twenty, I met a women who would change my life forever. She never coddled me and she was more then willing to tell me the truth without sugarcoating it. She was also willing to listen without judgement. She let me know that I wasn’t wrong or weak for feeling the way I did. She told me once that it is okay to not feel ok. She never looked at me with pity in her eyes. It was because of her encouragement that I was willing to and wanting to get help. I wanted to be a better person,in general but mainly a better mother for my children. I started counseling but would go off and on for the next 10 years. I also started the process of finding the right anti-depressant, bi-polar and anxiety medication  combo that was right for me. When I was 21 I wasn’t prepared to find a man who loved me, flaws and all, but I did. Even though this man had never been through what I did and really didn’t understand what it was like to be depressed he stood by my side. We have now been together for eleven years married for nine. There are still days I struggle sometimes I don’t even want to get out of bed. There are days that I have flash backs or I am over come with paralyzing anxiety, and every time those days come I still remember my mother figures words “It is okay to not feel ok” And that helps me spend time and on energy on berating myself for feeling that way, but it gives me permission to feel and then work through those emotions. 

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