A tired Mom and Wife confessional (not really that interesting)

28 Nov

 I sit tonight unable to sleep the night before Thanksgiving. Don’t get me wrong I have plenty to be thankful for. My healthy beautiful children, the roof over my head, the close on my back, and the fact that I am alive.

  I know that I am going to get flamed for the things I am going to be saying next, but I am sure if you are a wife and a mother, you have at one time or another felt this way too. Or I could be wrong, maybe it is just me that feels this way and I am a horrible person for even thinking this way. To put it plan and simple….I am tired. I am a full time student, a mother to three children and a step mother to another (which I believe has a whole new set of rules altogether) I am a maid. I am expected to keep my house perfect at all times with two twelve year old, one of which has Aspergers and the other is only here half time so it is easy for him to make a mess, but very hard to get to clean it up (and it doesn’t help that my other half takes it easier on him then the rest of the children.) I am a referee when my older child with Aspergers(who is still getting bullied at school and he is progressively acting out my self harm and shutting down) gets into screaming matches that sometimes turn physical with my youngest that has ADHD. I am also the taxi for the children to all of their tryout and feel guilty that I can’t make it to every single flag pole event on Fridays. I take my children to their Dr. appt and their councilor meeting. I show up to every IEP meeting my son(s) have. I am also expected to have food on the table every night when my husband comes home from work (which I understand, he works hard and is hungry when he comes home) I am also apart of my children’s school’s PTA not just that I am one of the officers. I promise my husband and my two youngest I would try to get more involved.Yet no matter how hard I try I still fall short, And last but diffidently not least is I try to server every Sunday at my Church, because it is God’s house and I want to honor him, buy honoring his house, so the least I can do is take out the trash, and make sure items that are need are some what there (I am still learning) But recently I have had to take a breather because my health was not so good. I had gotten an infection that cause a fever to spike to 105 which in turn cause me to have grand mal seizure . And the fact that I could never find time to refill my seizure meds and it equals  to one big disaster. I felt like nothing, like I meant nothing when the person I wanted and need the most wouldn’t stay and actually got mad at me because I wanted him to take me to the rest room….my nurse was a tiny little thing and if anything happened I didn’t want to hurt her. But I was greedy and wanted him to stay when he wanted to leave,  Thank God for the Elders at my Church who just happen to be coming and visiting me when they said I could go home. My significant other was not able to be reached by either the hospital or from my friends phone, so they were so kind and brought me home. It really was a divine intervention by God because he knew I was going to need someone right at that time and place.

There are many thing on this list that I am more than happy to do, but when it because expected of me to do it all the time like it is my duty and if it does not get done then I am wasting my day, it becomes to much. Sometimes I need a little help and I can’t tell you wither it is me being hard on myself or being indirectly told that I am not good enough because I do not measure up to some unobtainable standard of what a wife and mother is suppose to mean. During all of these thing I ask for help and most of the time I am told that they are working and can not help. I understand that providing for yourself and other can be hard, but I wish that there was a way to show  that being a mother and a wife is a 24/7 365 day a year job and we do not get vacation or holidays off. It has also been suggest to me that I am not doing enough to help support my family which makes me feel guilty because maybe there is more that I could do, I’m just not pushing myself hard enough. I am looking for employment I just can’t seem to find anyone that is will to hirer a girl that is nearly done with her Paralegal Studies, or a girl that has been out of work for so long, or maybe it is that I am far from being bilingual. It could be something completely different all together. See this is what I do, I over analyze stuff and then try to over compensate for what I precise as my short comings.

  Also since I am on a roll of air out all my grievances (writing is very therapeutic for me and I know I don’t get very many views so it is a win win for me) I know that I am not as appealing to my husband as I once was. I have it on good authority that he would like to see me at a lighter weight, and honestly I don’t blame him. I can barely look at myself. So it is with final thought that I will end my woe is me here. Everyone have a blessed Thanksgiving, and don’t worry now that I have gotten all these feels out of my head I will celebrate with joy tomorrow.

 

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