Standing on a precipice

21 Oct

I really have no idea if this song is going to go along with what I’ll be writing about, but I like the feel of the melody. I have been thinking a lot, and I will be the first one to admit that it is not always a good thing for me to do. Getting lost in my head can either be a great and wondrous place, or it can be a very dark and dangerous play ground for me to play in. Flood gates to memories can be opened, memories I have worked hard to suppressed. However as I get older I am learning it is  bad  when you suppress them instead  of dealing then moving on. I know my life is the way it is because of the events that are now memories. I can be a strong mother for my children because of the things I have either done or went through, so I can watch out for warn signs. Sure I know that it is impossible for me to save my children from heart ache, but I will  try to make a better life for them. By being able to do this it will in many ways will bring down a lot of risk and likelihood of them going through some of what I experience as a per-teen, teen, and young adult.

There is also positive outcomes from taken walks down the bump dark road through memory lane. I have been able to share a portion of my story in hopes of being a positive example for women and men, young and old whom have go through hell and back. I want them to know there is hope and a different kind of life they have been conditions to believe they are fated for. I know if I kept going the way I was that I would be in prison or died by now. The reason I can say this with complete certainty is because I know back then I could be easily influenced especially by the men in my life who “were deeply in love with me”. For example one man I was in a relationship with is now in prison for being a career burglar to fuel his drug addiction and another is now awaiting  trail for alleged murder. These are the men  I would have followed from one end of the earth to the other.  I didn’t have that great of a “picker” when it came to men and I believe God finally stepped in and sent me my husband because I wasn’t doing a great job on my own. I can honestly say I am in a good relationship with a man that loves me for me. He makes me happy, so there is hope really there is.

So when I do get lost in my head at times it is like I am standing on a precious precipice. I can go one way which could lead me down a horrible trip down memories lane, and trigger a bout of depression, or it will be a cause for my inspiration. It is kind of weird how on any given day the same memory can cause the felling of being tossed down a spiraling rabbit hold laced with sharpened thorns, or it can cause a sweet release in the form of a few pages of a story to encourage others, or a few positive poems.  🙂

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