Ships in the Night (Mat Kearney) Living through my ship in the night

29 Jan

I know horrible title, but oh well, it is relevant. LOL. So I was listening to Mat Kearney “Ships in the Night” this morning, and it really struck a nerve within me. So I decided to first, post the lyrics and then explain.

SHIPS IN THE NIGHT by Mat Kearney

Like ships in the night
You keep passing me by
Just wasting time
Trying to prove who’s right
And if it all goes crashing into the sea
If its just you and me
Trying to find the light

Like ships in the night letting cannonballs fly
Say what you mean and it turns to a fight
Fists fly from my mouth as it turns south
You’re down the driveway
I’m on the couch
Chasing your dreams since the violent fifth grade
Trying to believe in your silent own way
‘Cause we’ll be okay, I’m not going away
Like you watched at fourteen as it went down the drain
Your pops stayed the same and your moms moved away
How many of our parents seem to make it anyway
We’re just fumbling through the gray
Trying to find a heart that’s not walking away

Turn the lights down low
Walk these halls alone
We can feel so far
From so close

[Chorus]
Like ships in the night
You keep passing me by
Just wasting time
Trying to prove who’s right
And if it all goes crashing into the sea
If its just you and me
Trying to find the light
Like ships in the night
You’re passing me by
You’re passing me by
Like ships in the night

I’m at the airport waitin’ on the second plane
Had to pack, you had cramps,
And I was late heading to a red carpet
They wont know my name
Riding in silence
All that we wanna say
‘Bout to board when you call on the phone
You say I’m sorry I’ll be waitin’ at home
Feels like we’re burning this out on our own
Trying to find our way down a road we don’t know

Turn the lights down low
Walk these halls alone
We can feel so far
From so close

[Chorus]

[Repeat: x2]
I’m gonna find my way
Back to your side

Okay now let me break it down for you on how this can possible in a way, shape or from be relatable to me and my own experiences. I will start with the begiining of the song.

Like ships in the night
You keep passing me by
Just wasting time
Trying to prove who’s right
And if it all goes crashing into the sea
If its just you and me
Trying to find the light

My ship in the night is my husband and we are at this point where we are just passing each other by. We can be in the same room together but never talk, or hold one another it is like we are wasting the time we have together. We have been having a hard time lately letting past hurts and resentments go even though we both pray about it. I will also admit I am a very stubborn person. I guess you can say it comes from the way I grew up. I always either have to be right or partially right, and it is very hard for me to say Sorry.  To this day those three words are the hardest to pass through my lips when I am in the wrong. I think because of this it has not quite damaged our relationship, but it has put a few dents.

Like ships in the night letting cannonballs fly
Say what you mean and it turns to a fight
Fists fly from my mouth as it turns south
You’re down the driveway
I’m on the couch
Chasing your dreams since the violent fifth grade
Trying to believe in your silent own way
‘Cause we’ll be okay, I’m not going away
Like you watched at fourteen as it went down the drain
Your pops stayed the same and your moms moved away
How many of our parents seem to make it anyway
We’re just fumbling through the gray
Trying to find a heart that’s not walking away

I have never in my adult life had to fight with my fist, but my words can cut like a knife. When he and I start fighting it is like a knock out drag out match in our room with one of us either leaving to cool off or the couch having a body warmer. Last night I was trying to be nice and sleep on the couch because my husband can snore like there is no tomorrow, I have no idea how that end-up with me and him yelling at each other, one from the bed in our room and one from the couch in the living-room. I was trying to be nice and let him sleep instead of me poking him all night, telling him to wake up and roll to his side because of  his lumberjack like snoring. Anyway that is just a funny example of our fighting, but it is serious. I have a feeling deep down I am scared he is going to leave me because he does not love me enough to stay through all my crazy, and I wouldn’t blame him. I haven’t had the ideal up bring (a Father in prison for the worst crime in my eyes a man can commit and a mother who loved men, and her life more then she loved her children) and it has really made an impact on how I view relationships, not just husband and wife, but as a Mother and Father to our children. I don’t want them knowing the pain I did when I was their age, and I have made for damn sure (excuse my language) that they would not suffer at the hands of the ones that are suppose to protect and love them the most. So we are both trying to find our way through the gray.

I’m at the airport waitin’ on the second plane
Had to pack, you had cramps,
And I was late heading to a red carpet
They wont know my name
Riding in silence
All that we wanna say
‘Bout to board when you call on the phone
You say I’m sorry I’ll be waitin’ at home
Feels like we’re burning this out on our own
Trying to find our way down a road we don’t know

The only thing I can say about my life relating to these lyrics is that having cramps is hell and I am a b!+^& during that time. I want to cry and scream and I am mad at the world and I don’t know why, but every emotion is magnified by a thousand. I feel so bad but again I am the girl with the issue with saying sorry. I have this idea in my head that once you do something a certain amount of times, then they are just words and mean nothing. I know that Christ forgave all and had such grace. It is a concept I am still working on. My husband and I are trying to find our way down a road neither of us know. Okay so I hope this made as much since as it made in my head. It was just a comforting fact to know that not all “Christians” have it together and we are still trying to feel our way through this life.  Divorce was something that he and I both thought of, we didn’t want to do more harm staying together then good (for our children) but we have our faith and I now know when that particular person tried to make me feel like I was scum for even considering it, that I was just being human. I also now know that it is okay to forgive myself as well as others. If I don’t forgive myself for trying to commit suicide last August then I am really not accepting the fact that my husband has forgiven me. I felt unworthy of anyone’s forgiveness. Not God’s, not my husband and not my children. I believe that is why I unconsciously sought out others who made me feel bad for what I did. So this song in an amazing way has opened my eyes to forgiveness. Also it is okay to not know what one is doing in a relationship. It is  like with children, they didn’t come with a hand book, and if you hadn’t, had the best of examples you are just like a ship in the night passing each other by, but one day we will get it right. Now I am going to post this lovely, inspiring song for all to enjoy!

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