Unapproachable or Human?

9 Jan

I understand being a human was never meant to be easy. Eve listen to the snake, and Adam listen to Eve and ate from the fruit of knowledge of good and evil. I am sure this could start a debate, but I think women got punished more harshly for her part in God’s betrayal. Why? You ask. Well we bleed for seven days with out dying (still haven’t decided wither that is a punishment or a gift) we have cramps during this time that feel like labor pains. We do get the awesome honor of carrying a child in our womb, but believe there are trials and pain that go with it (something I have gone through three times and would gladly go through again where it financial possible).

I thank God for my life and giving me the ability to have met the people I have and be a part of the awesome ministry He is bring to those in our town and soon to the entire world. I just have my moments of being human you know. I go through stuff just like everyone else and I do break down. It sometime becomes hard for me to encourage others when I can’t even encourage myself. I try to keep my personal life from spreading into other parts of my life, and I am terrified to open up to anyone because I don’t know how to trust and show the pain I go through alone. This maybe a shocker to some of my readers (and I know there is at least one who will get pleasure from this admission, but that is okay I still love you) that I have no close friends (I know my Heavenly Father knows me inside and out). There is no one that I can really call my best friend. Oh how pathetic I sound I know.  I wish I had that kind of connection with someone. To be able to laugh and feel joy and feel safe enough to share everything with that person. I know I am married and my husband is my best friend in a way, but he has others he can go and talk to. Sometimes I need another female ear and I don’t have that. I believe this is one of the main reasons my depression gets so bad and things seem so much bigger then they really are, because I don’t have that person I can talk to, to put things into perspective.

My husband tells me I am a hard person to get to know. He says I close myself off and I seem unapproachable, so for the people that do know me personally who are read this please tell me, in your opinion is that true? Am I the one who pushes everyone away? I know when something hurts me really bad I shut down. It is a survival mechanism I learn a long time ago. I am now at a lost for words so I will end this blog with a music video by Manafest called Human.

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