Confessions of A Self Injurer(SI)…. (Warning!! Contains Images of Cutting in Various Stages)

27 Oct

I moved this to private for a while. I guess I started to let what I thought people were going to think of me get to me. But this is it. This is what you get. All the Good, the Bad and the Disturbing. I am no longer this person. I am healing so I am not going to be ashamed of myself. This is my blog and I did make a disclaimer when I posted this. I am done being scared and worried about what others are going to think of me.

 

First off I want to start this post with a warning. I have inserted some personal pictures of my cutting. I also have a song attacked that I think you should take a listen to while reading my life, my demons, my open wounds if you will. I understand by me opening up in this way I am opening myself to be attacked, but a stranger can not hurt me more then a loved one. Someone so close to me that their words can piece my heart without them even realizing they have done it until they see the physical after math.However this is not why I am writing this. I will lay blame at no one’s feet but my own. This post IS NOT to seek attention even though I know I will get a few accusing me of just that. This is to help me mostly, writing is very therapeutic for me and it helps to get it out. Also there are countless others out there like me who feel so alone when it come to SI (Self Injury). These are the people I am trying to reach because I can promise you they have been made to feel ashamed of who they are and what they have done. So this is for all of you. You are not alone and I want you to know things can get better, but do not let it discourage you if you relapse and cut, burn, or what ever it is that you do to stop the emotional pain. Let me share a story with you about a scared little girl who felt like she was hoplessly drowning in emotional pain.

     I can still remember the first time I found out that for me I could distort and manage, for a time the emotional pain I was suffering. I was 10 yrs old and my friends and I were doing the new “in” thing
were we rubbed all the skin off our hand with an eraser between the pointer finger and the thumb. Then if you were “really brave” you would use a saftey pin and carve your initials into the raw area. Most of my friends stopped after the first few rubs of the eraser, because lets face it, it felt like the worst kind of rug burn. I how ever notice once I got passed the initial shock I was able to keep going and in the end I had carved my initials into my hand by the end of lunch break.  It wasn’t until a few days later after I had suffered from one of my brothers “games” and I was in my room crying because my mom had punished me for it that I thought of hurting myself. Let me explain when someone who is pron to SI, they are so emotional overloaded with pain, it literally feels like it is going to claw its way through your chest, up your throat and make you suffocate on it. To me at that time the physical pain was a tangible being that I need to find a way to get out before it killed me. So in my skewed logic I grabbed one of my sisters shaving razors and started slicing it across my arms and legs. It is hard to explain the kind of relief I felt when I felt the pain and saw the physical evidences of my act of violence against myself. There were so many things running through my head at that time. I was telling myself I was worthless and I deserved what I had done. I figured if I was such a bad girl that I would get hurt on a daily basic and then be told I was never wanted, that I  was a mistake that couldn’t be taken back….while then didn’t I deserve to do this to myself as well?

Fast forward through the years, I was able to hide my shame. It was easy when no one cared about you. Then when I got into high school I found a lot of kids like myself. Screwed up and unwanted, but we all took care of one another. We  each had our own way of dealing with what we were going through, some of us smoked weed, drank on a daily basis, or were members of the frequent cutters association. I had them…my friends, my family for two years before a girl notice the bandages on my arm and told the school councilor. They didn’t know how to deal with the situation so they called my mom and then called a professional psychologist to come out and see me. You know all my mom did when I got in the truck that day was ask me to roll up my selves, she looked at them and huffed then handed me my daily after school smoke. Yeah that is the kind of relationship we had. Things got better for a time while I was see the professional who came out for free to see me at my high school every week. He made me feel like someone actually cared about me. Then one day he just stopped coming. I still to this day don’t know why, maybe I was too screwed up for him to fix. A lost cause so he bailed. I still had my friends though…my lifeline. Then one day they were even ripped away from me.

I met a man when I had just turn 16 and he was 19, for a time he was my world. A positive light in the dark I thought.  Then that light turn to a sickening shade of purples, blues, yellows, and greens…busies you see. Yet that is a story for another time. This is about cutting. I still to this day, when the emotional pain gets to be to much have issues with it. I had been good for a time, going almost three years without hurting myself even though the compulsion and the self hating voices were still there.

I wish I could tell you a definitive reason why I started again, it may had something to do with the stresses and pain that was going on at the time, I know that it got so bad that in August of this year I tried to take my life and while I was waiting for the pills to kick in I started cutting. There is this all consuming hatred for yourself. You don’t feel like you are worth anything and nine times out of ten a person who preforms (SI) have been told their entire life they are meaningless or they have had a very traumatic event happen to them in life. I happen to be one of the lucky few that fall into both categories.

Any way this is a condensed version of my downward spiral. If there is one person out there that I have been able to reach with my story and show life can go on then I have not done this in vain. Remember you are the author of your own story, where do you want it to lead?

Pictures taken in August

Pictures from yesterday. I will not say why this came to be.

I love the rock version of this, but the acoustic one fits better with confession hour 😉

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2 Responses to “Confessions of A Self Injurer(SI)…. (Warning!! Contains Images of Cutting in Various Stages)”

  1. progressforpots October 29, 2012 at 8:46 pm #

    This is so powerful and emotional I thank you for your bravery and courage. I too suffered from SI, and I have almost fully conquered my addiction. It IS an addiction, and people don’t realize how hard it is to quit. It sounds twisted but it’s the truth. We suffer as much as any other drug addict or alcoholic.

    • kittygotclaws28 October 30, 2012 at 2:28 pm #

      It truly is. Thank you for being brave and openly say you suffer from SI. Too many of us have been made to feel ashamed. I think more awareness needs to be brought to it. 🙂

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