It has been quite a while since I have written anything with any kind of substance…if there ever really was. There have been many things in life we are not prepared for. When I was a child I was not prepared to live in such a volitional household so I started cutting . As a teenager I was not ready for all the responsibility that came with having a child at seventeen and deal with all the pain and suffering that came with being married to someone who thought a good time was hurting his wife and children, so I tried to make us as invisible as possible. As a young adult I wasn’t prepared to be a single mother of two children not yet out of diapers and the depression, anxiety and PTSD that came along with being a domestic violence survivor so I struggled alone. I wasn’t prepared to trust anyone, especially men who said they cared about me so I began cutting again. When I started taking steps to getting out in the world again I wasn’t prepared to properly cope so I fell in with the wrong crowed and started doing drugs. I wasn’t prepared for the bad elements I was inviting into my life so I was raped. I wasn’t prepared to handle that kind of violation and the repercussion of my acts so I lost my my children for a week. When this happened it was the wake up call I need to drop the people in my life who were a bad influence and kick the drugs. Then one day when I was twenty, I met a women who would change my life forever. She never coddled me and she was more then willing to tell me the truth without sugarcoating it. She was also willing to listen without judgement. She let me know that I wasn’t wrong or weak for feeling the way I did. She told me once that it is okay to not feel ok. She never looked at me with pity in her eyes. It was because of her encouragement that I was willing to and wanting to get help. I wanted to be a better person,in general but mainly a better mother for my children. I started counseling but would go off and on for the next 10 years. I also started the process of finding the right anti-depressant, bi-polar and anxiety medication combo that was right for me. When I was 21 I wasn’t prepared to find a man who loved me, flaws and all, but I did. Even though this man had never been through what I did and really didn’t understand what it was like to be depressed he stood by my side. We have now been together for eleven years married for nine. There are still days I struggle sometimes I don’t even want to get out of bed. There are days that I have flash backs or I am over come with paralyzing anxiety, and every time those days come I still remember my mother figures words “It is okay to not feel ok” And that helps me spend time and on energy on berating myself for feeling that way, but it gives me permission to feel and then work through those emotions.
Wow, it has been about three plus years since I have written last. There has been a lot of life lived, loved ones lost, and new loves entering the world. There have been many hard trying times, but so many more joyous ones. My family and I have moved from that going nowhere fast town, to one that has more to offer. It is funny how when you sit down and are ready to write everything you have to say just flies out the window when you have the blank page sitting before you. I guess it doesn’t help that as I am typing this chaos surrounds me. The kids are officially off for the summer, and this is the first traditional summer vacation they will have off. I have music blasting in my ear, which I actually enjoy and my husband going back and forth changing stuff and moving stuff around. So I think it is time for me to cut this short and come back at a later time. Just wanted to show everyone or anyone, really, that I am still around.
This is going to be one of those post were I am going to bitch and moan, and just vent. I have been working my ass off to help support this family, and for a while now I have been the sole financial support which I haven’t minded because my husband was getting his class B with the promise of a full time job. Well they still want to hire him but there is some lag in one of the processes. Well now my husband is being a jerk. He is upset about not working (which I understand)but now he has been going behind my back to get stuff (a reoccurring problem) but when I tell him that I want to get something for my health he flips out and says we don’t need it. Well we didn’t need the items he got, AND he went behind my back to do it. I don’t know what to do. He also has a friend that calls all the time and when he and I are suppose to be spending time together he is talking or texting him. Not to mention this friends wife has said horrid things about me. What am I suppose to do?
I have been extremely busy lately with my new job (working as a bakery cashier, not a glamorous job, but I am blessed to have it.) Still a full time student and I have been doing taxes on the side. I have also started writing a new book (taking my time) so I haven’t had time to update to much(not like I have anyone waiting on pins and needles for my next post). I think this post is going to be all over the place. You have been forewarned.
Random thought/observation- It is an adjustment going from being one of the youngest in my social group, to one of the oldest at work. I have come to realize that the younger generation has less and less respect for others. Now not only do they gossip behind backs, but they have no qualms with telling individuals that they are “big” or “old”. Now I am not suggesting that it does not happen with older generations, but from what I have encountered it happens more frequently with individuals from the ages of 19-25. However, for every one rude person(that I work with) there are three (again that I work with) that are nice, positive, upbeat, and genuine of all different ages. This is what helps me get up every morning and push through the negative, because there is so much more positive, you just have to get through all the nasty noise the negative makes. I work hard every day and I hope that I have in some way, made a positive impact on our customers/guest that frequent our cafe.
As far as my schooling goes there are positive and negative as well. The positive; I am on my second to last term before I receive my A.S in Paralegal Studies (Can I get a woot, woot!). The down side, I have been have difficulty adjusting to my work schedule and class/homework time, so I have been barely making it by with my grades. So I am taking a page out of Dora’s (Finding Nemo) book, and “just keep going, just keep going” 🙂
So I am guessing this is all I have to update for now, but I could be wrong because I am extremely tired and I am seeing double as I am typing, so I think my writings not to shabby all things considered
I am sitting here trying to make sense of all that has happened. I know God has a plan and purpose for everything, but I can’t see what the purpose is for taking a life all too soon. One minute he is walking listening to music, and the next he is gone. This boy had such a zest for life and one of the hugest heart I have seen. I just don’t understand the reasoning for taking this kind soul out of the world. I think he would have done so much good….this world needed him in it.
We first met him and his dad through a friend who is related to them. From the start both Father and son were kind and none judgmental. My husband and I felt so at easy with the father that we already considered him a friend right away. The son (who even at a young age was wise beyond his years) was accepting of all my children, and never judge Joe for being different like so many others had. I don’t know if he ever realized how much of an impact he made on my son. Just that simple act of offering friendship to a boy who didn’t understand why most turned him away was a light in my son’s life. We would all hang out at my friends house ( her place was were everyone gathered, friends and family alike…I guess you could say we all became a family in a way over time). The kids would all play the xbox together while the adults gossiped and hung out.
I remember the time we all went on a camping trip together. I was terrified to let Isaiah go with anyone in the water but me because I was convinced if I did, something bad would happen. It was the father that finally talked me into letting his son watch him while I swam for a while, promising me everything was going to be okay and I believed him and he was right. For those three days we hung out, fished, went swimming, and just enjoyed life and each others company. This young man was just amazing with little kids. Last year when my son was being harassed and bullied everyday it was this boy who with out me even knowing (at first) went to the bullier and stuck up for Joe. Through a conversation I later had with him he let it slip on what he did. I don’t think he intended for me to find out. He did it because he cared, not because he wanted recognition for it. I was actually brought to tears from his selfless act. He then volunteered to look out for Joe and make sure he was okay. This was yet another act of kindness he had showed to my son who had very little experience from others his own age.
While Joe saw him more at school, I think I saw him and his father a handful of times after that. It seemed like our lives were shifting and we all had less time to gather together like we use to. Now I wish there were something I could do to make all of this go away, get a redo just this one time to change certain events but I can’t. The world doesn’t work that way not matter how hard I wish it would. Joe didn’t talk for almost three hours after we told him about the accident, he cried for about as long too. I can only image what his family is going through. No matter how much I want to be there right now as a source of comfort and support, I also understand the need for space and time. I honestly don’t think my words would come close enough to given even a semblance of ease to the grief they are all going through at this moment. All I can do is offer my support, my thanks to the father and son who did not have to be so loving and kind to a family that was not their own, but for a time become an extend part of ours, and shared memories of times that were bright and full of laughter. Our lives are blessed for being given the time and opportunity to know and befriend such a pure and kind soul.
I sit tonight unable to sleep the night before Thanksgiving. Don’t get me wrong I have plenty to be thankful for. My healthy beautiful children, the roof over my head, the close on my back, and the fact that I am alive.
I know that I am going to get flamed for the things I am going to be saying next, but I am sure if you are a wife and a mother, you have at one time or another felt this way too. Or I could be wrong, maybe it is just me that feels this way and I am a horrible person for even thinking this way. To put it plan and simple….I am tired. I am a full time student, a mother to three children and a step mother to another (which I believe has a whole new set of rules altogether) I am a maid. I am expected to keep my house perfect at all times with two twelve year old, one of which has Aspergers and the other is only here half time so it is easy for him to make a mess, but very hard to get to clean it up (and it doesn’t help that my other half takes it easier on him then the rest of the children.) I am a referee when my older child with Aspergers(who is still getting bullied at school and he is progressively acting out my self harm and shutting down) gets into screaming matches that sometimes turn physical with my youngest that has ADHD. I am also the taxi for the children to all of their tryout and feel guilty that I can’t make it to every single flag pole event on Fridays. I take my children to their Dr. appt and their councilor meeting. I show up to every IEP meeting my son(s) have. I am also expected to have food on the table every night when my husband comes home from work (which I understand, he works hard and is hungry when he comes home) I am also apart of my children’s school’s PTA not just that I am one of the officers. I promise my husband and my two youngest I would try to get more involved.Yet no matter how hard I try I still fall short, And last but diffidently not least is I try to server every Sunday at my Church, because it is God’s house and I want to honor him, buy honoring his house, so the least I can do is take out the trash, and make sure items that are need are some what there (I am still learning) But recently I have had to take a breather because my health was not so good. I had gotten an infection that cause a fever to spike to 105 which in turn cause me to have grand mal seizure . And the fact that I could never find time to refill my seizure meds and it equals to one big disaster. I felt like nothing, like I meant nothing when the person I wanted and need the most wouldn’t stay and actually got mad at me because I wanted him to take me to the rest room….my nurse was a tiny little thing and if anything happened I didn’t want to hurt her. But I was greedy and wanted him to stay when he wanted to leave, Thank God for the Elders at my Church who just happen to be coming and visiting me when they said I could go home. My significant other was not able to be reached by either the hospital or from my friends phone, so they were so kind and brought me home. It really was a divine intervention by God because he knew I was going to need someone right at that time and place.
There are many thing on this list that I am more than happy to do, but when it because expected of me to do it all the time like it is my duty and if it does not get done then I am wasting my day, it becomes to much. Sometimes I need a little help and I can’t tell you wither it is me being hard on myself or being indirectly told that I am not good enough because I do not measure up to some unobtainable standard of what a wife and mother is suppose to mean. During all of these thing I ask for help and most of the time I am told that they are working and can not help. I understand that providing for yourself and other can be hard, but I wish that there was a way to show that being a mother and a wife is a 24/7 365 day a year job and we do not get vacation or holidays off. It has also been suggest to me that I am not doing enough to help support my family which makes me feel guilty because maybe there is more that I could do, I’m just not pushing myself hard enough. I am looking for employment I just can’t seem to find anyone that is will to hirer a girl that is nearly done with her Paralegal Studies, or a girl that has been out of work for so long, or maybe it is that I am far from being bilingual. It could be something completely different all together. See this is what I do, I over analyze stuff and then try to over compensate for what I precise as my short comings.
Also since I am on a roll of air out all my grievances (writing is very therapeutic for me and I know I don’t get very many views so it is a win win for me) I know that I am not as appealing to my husband as I once was. I have it on good authority that he would like to see me at a lighter weight, and honestly I don’t blame him. I can barely look at myself. So it is with final thought that I will end my woe is me here. Everyone have a blessed Thanksgiving, and don’t worry now that I have gotten all these feels out of my head I will celebrate with joy tomorrow.
There once was a girl who gave a boy her world
The boy did not know what a precious gift she surrenders
So he kept taking without noticing the withering of the girls soul
Today he knows, today he only sees the shell of the girl he once knew
The girl looks on through her dull tear stained eyes at the man she though she knew
She feels the pain of his uncaring, curl worlds, not understanding what she did wrong
Now they are both lost looking for the past they condemned through greed and selfishness
Destined to be alone, until they can learn how to fix this broken road they have both created
There once was a girl who gave a boy her world
I really have no idea if this song is going to go along with what I’ll be writing about, but I like the feel of the melody. I have been thinking a lot, and I will be the first one to admit that it is not always a good thing for me to do. Getting lost in my head can either be a great and wondrous place, or it can be a very dark and dangerous play ground for me to play in. Flood gates to memories can be opened, memories I have worked hard to suppressed. However as I get older I am learning it is bad when you suppress them instead of dealing then moving on. I know my life is the way it is because of the events that are now memories. I can be a strong mother for my children because of the things I have either done or went through, so I can watch out for warn signs. Sure I know that it is impossible for me to save my children from heart ache, but I will try to make a better life for them. By being able to do this it will in many ways will bring down a lot of risk and likelihood of them going through some of what I experience as a per-teen, teen, and young adult.
There is also positive outcomes from taken walks down the bump dark road through memory lane. I have been able to share a portion of my story in hopes of being a positive example for women and men, young and old whom have go through hell and back. I want them to know there is hope and a different kind of life they have been conditions to believe they are fated for. I know if I kept going the way I was that I would be in prison or died by now. The reason I can say this with complete certainty is because I know back then I could be easily influenced especially by the men in my life who “were deeply in love with me”. For example one man I was in a relationship with is now in prison for being a career burglar to fuel his drug addiction and another is now awaiting trail for alleged murder. These are the men I would have followed from one end of the earth to the other. I didn’t have that great of a “picker” when it came to men and I believe God finally stepped in and sent me my husband because I wasn’t doing a great job on my own. I can honestly say I am in a good relationship with a man that loves me for me. He makes me happy, so there is hope really there is.
So when I do get lost in my head at times it is like I am standing on a precious precipice. I can go one way which could lead me down a horrible trip down memories lane, and trigger a bout of depression, or it will be a cause for my inspiration. It is kind of weird how on any given day the same memory can cause the felling of being tossed down a spiraling rabbit hold laced with sharpened thorns, or it can cause a sweet release in the form of a few pages of a story to encourage others, or a few positive poems. 🙂