When it all comes to a head

18 May

I am writing this on my phone so I don’t know how well it will turn out, but my head is overflowing with pain, confusion, frustration, disbelief, sadness, and worry.  There has been a lot of stuff that has happened since the last time I wrote. First we moved away from the place I called home for 32 years and moved 2 1/2 hours away. We uprooted our whole life and didn’t look back. One down fall to though is now I don’t have any type of support system here. I didn’t know I would need one in the future.  We moved to get a fresh start for my autistic son. He was being bullied so bad at school he tried to take his own life twice. So we moved and start over with almost nothing. When we got here I was able to find a high risk mental health agency that could help children like my son as well as getting him in an ABA clinic too. I thought things were looking up. I found a job I loved and am attending school online to get my BA in Phsycology with a concentrate in child and adolescence development. My child with ASD discover drama and fell in love with acting. My 11 yr old joined band and the wrestling team. Then it all came crashing down. One day I noticed scratches on my daughters arms (wow, it feels odd when I use that term, but more on that later)and pulled her into the room to talk. I let her tell me they came from a bush she fell into, but I wasn’t buying it. As a recovering cutter myself, I knew what I was looking at. I just said to her “thanks for sharing that, now tell me the truth”, she wasn’t prepared for that. I think it throw her off so much that she had to tell me the truth. Turns out she had been being molested for years by a family member and I had no idea. The cutting was to help ease her emotional pain. She then said she had something else to tell me, and then proceeded to tell me she had a crush on a girl and she was scared I would hate her for it. I am not that person and I told her so. I said I didn’t care who she liked I just wanted her to be happy. It seemed like things were getting better once I got her a thearipist and psychiatrist from the same place my ASD child is and reported what she shared with me to the cops in our home town. Then one day she told me that she wasn’t a girl on the inside, she was a boy and she hated her body. If you are familiar with Gender Dysphoria this is a classic symptom. I told him I would support and love him no matter what. I told him I would take him to cut his hair, buy a new masculine wardrobe, use male pronouns, and he could chose a name to go by but I would still call him the gender neutral nick name I gave when he was a baby, a name I literally fought for against my abuse ex-husband. I did however tell him he had to wait until he was 18 to start T and persue any surgery he is considering. That way if there is a possibility of him changing his mind within the next four years, there was no perminate changes done that needed to be reversed if it was possible to. Don’t get me wrong, I grieved for all the things I would never get to experience with my daughter and I question weither or not I was doing the right thing by being supportive. So I did a lot of research on Gender Dysphoria and identifying as transgender. I learned that some young children who identified as transgender when they were younger  grow out of it, whereas if it kicks in when kids are older, around the time they hit puberty it is more likely to be perminate. I also found that the suicide rate for trans teens was more the tripled when they did not have support from their family. I took the time to join a parent support group for those who have transgender children. I have tried to learn all the  terms and truly try to understand. One term I learn, I use a lot when referring to him to those who do not know much about it, or to those who knew him as a girl. The term is Female to male or FTM. It is a really effective term to use to describe him to family members or friends who knew him before he started transitioning. When talking to the thearipist and psychiatrist I was informed that my child was not only dealing with PTSD and extreme anxiety caused by what happened to him but he also had Bi-Polar disorder. Things seemed to improved after he started Trauma Focused Cognitive behavioral  therapy and taking anti-anxiety, anti-depressant and mood stabelizing medication. Then about two months ago I got a call from his therapist who is only allowed to disclose what was talked about if someone was in danger of hurting themselves or someone else. She tells me she is concerned about his safety because he has told her he had a plan and a way to kill himself, he was just waiting for the gun his boyfriend was bring for them to use together. I had to take him to the ER for a 51/50 check. In the end he side a crisis plan and was allowed to go home because I told them I would be keeping a close eye on him for the next 24 hours. After this incident it seemed like things were getting back to normal, we even bought him two therapy guinnie pigs. Then the call came yesterday afternoon. It was his therapist again. He had shown her where he had started cutting again and it had been going on for two weeks. He then told her he had intentionally took more of his ant-depressants then directed, he didn’t want to wake up. When I sat down with him, I was mad as hell, hurt, and terrified. I had to walk away after a few minutes before I said something I would regret later. Before I did he told me he needed to go somewhere to get help. He wants to be admitted into a facility for a 72 hour hold to be evaluated by mental health professionals. As I write this he is in his room with the door open at all times and before he was allowed to go in there, his room was searched for sharp objects and things that could be use to harm oneself with. This is what makes me feel like a horrible parent; I was so mad when I found out. I felt like I was a prisoner and he my emotional keeper. If I didn’t take him he would run the risk of hurting himself and if I took him we would be there for hours and I would have to miss work the next day, which was not a possibility with me trying to get promoted, so I can continue to take care of my family. So I made him go to school this morning were I knew he would be safe there and then arranged for me to be able to get out of work before he got home from school. I am not taking any chance to give him an opportunity to hurt himself. I don’t know what to do any more. I am so overwhelmed and lost.


Rough, Tough, and Tumble

12 May

These last few weeks have been very hard on me emotionally, physically and mentally. My husband hurt himself at work so bad that I now have to drive him to all of his appointments on top of working, and taking care of our children. One with an IEP established for his ASD and another one that is in the process of getting his  due to his  ADHD.  All of my children are in some form of therapy (I am a firm believer in therapy for all). There are issues my children feel like they want to spare my feelings from, or they are scared I or my husband would look at them differently, even though as far as I am concerned they can come to me with anything and I would not judge them for it. Any way there is a reason why I started this post, but it will have to wait for the time being. I will be back soon.

The reality of Adult-ing, Kaleidoscope style.

3 Mar

Hello, Hello, Hello, and welcome to my humble blog (can you guess where I snagged most of that line from?). In between sending paperwork to the law office and trying not to cuss out my scanner, I was thinking of snazzy title for this entry that would catch the eye, and well… Any who, moving on. I promised on my FaceBook blog page that I would give an exclusive in depth look at the inner working of the space between my ears (think Herman’s head style thought process). I have come to the conclusion that being an adult is a lot like looking through and being a part of a kaleidoscope. It is confusing, overwhelming, sometimes anxiety inducing, but once you get passed the disorientation and chaos it is also beautiful and wonderful as hell.

First off, who ever came up with the Hashtag #thestruggleisreal either needs to be kissed, with a fist, across the face…repeatedly, or hugged…I haven’t decided yet, but the person that came up with the hashtag #hashtag has firmly earned option one. My 10yr old goes around saying it on repeat and I have had to ban it from ever coming out of his mouth, it is now on the naughty word list along with crap and stupid. Now that I have gotten that out of my system I can move on…

First I will start with personal update. I have had two surgeries almost exactly one year apart. The first was a very personal one I struggled with for many years but came to the conclusion I would rather put up with people telling me I took the easy way out, then spend my time figuring out how to explain to my children  why I couldn’t go on walks with them, that after only one block I couldn’t breath and my whole body hurt from carrying so much weight, or why I couldn’t go on rides with them at the fair. I think the last straw was when I had to explain to the kids why other children made fun of their mothers weight. So, I made the decision to get the Vertical Gastric Sleeve and I have not once regretted it. Since March 1st 2016 I have lost 90lbs and want to lose about 5 to 10 more. I believe if I did not have this surgery done I would be very sick by now. I also do not think I would be able to work in the field I do. You see I work with autistic children (if you have read any of my other post you already know that I have a child who is on the spectrum) so this job is very near and dear to my heart. In order for me to do what I have to, I have to be able to get up and run after an eloper, or stoop down to initiate eye contact. The second surgery I had was on the 28th and it was a septoplasty which is a fancy word for deviated septum repair, or it is were they went in straightened my nose and removed any excess cartilage so I could breath properly. Recovering from it is interesting to say the least. It was an out patient procedure and now I have plastic splints in my nose that I have to wait for another 4 days for them to be removed! If you are planning on having it done get plenty of chap stick, you are going to be breathing out of your mouth for 7 days and it can get pretty dry.

Now on to the new adventure our family has embarked on!! Right after having major surgery on March 1st I though it would be a hoot to move our family 2 1/2 hours away from my home town (never said I was always the brightest crayon in the box!). Now I can say a year after the move it was one of the best decision we could have made for our children. Where we came from two of my children were getting bullied. One for having autism and the other for being in a wheelchair. Now we are at a place where they are thriving. My son is getting many of the services he was lacking before and it is helping him become self-sufficient and is doing wonders for his self-esteem. My daughter has made some great friends who understand her, and she and her youngest brother were scouted by a modeling school(we turned them down though). I think the only thing I miss from my old home town is my friends and family. I classify myself as an introverted extrovert (I know it doesn’t make sense but let me explain my logic here!). I am an outgoing person when I am comfortable in my surroundings, and when I need to be at work (it’s easy when you’re working with kiddos) but if you get me into a group setting or even if, lets say my husband is introducing me to someone, I clam up and I can’t talk to them. I just do not feel comfortable and it doesn’t help that I am what you would call empathic. I take on the emotions of others, even people I don’t know and it can be exhausting! So like I said, being an adult is like looking through or, rather living life like it is a kaleidoscope!

An open letter for all who are not prepared: For the lost, scared, and confused. It’s okay to not feel ok.

30 Sep

It has been quite a while since I have written anything with any kind of substance…if  there ever really was. There have been many things in life we are not prepared for. When I was a child I was not prepared to live in such a volitional household so I started cutting . As a teenager I was not ready for all the responsibility that came with having a child at seventeen and deal with all the pain and suffering that came with being married to someone who thought a good time was hurting his wife and children, so I tried to make us as invisible as possible. As a young adult I wasn’t prepared to be a single mother of two children not yet out of diapers and the depression, anxiety and PTSD that came along with being a domestic violence survivor so I struggled alone.  I wasn’t prepared to trust anyone, especially men who said they cared about me so I began cutting again. When I started taking steps to getting out in the world again I wasn’t prepared to properly cope so I fell in with the wrong crowed and started doing drugs. I wasn’t prepared for the bad elements I was inviting into my life so I was raped. I wasn’t prepared to handle that kind of violation and the repercussion of my acts so I lost my my children for a week. When this happened it was the wake up call I need to drop the people in my life who were a bad influence and kick the drugs. Then one day when I was twenty, I met a women who would change my life forever. She never coddled me and she was more then willing to tell me the truth without sugarcoating it. She was also willing to listen without judgement. She let me know that I wasn’t wrong or weak for feeling the way I did. She told me once that it is okay to not feel ok. She never looked at me with pity in her eyes. It was because of her encouragement that I was willing to and wanting to get help. I wanted to be a better person,in general but mainly a better mother for my children. I started counseling but would go off and on for the next 10 years. I also started the process of finding the right anti-depressant, bi-polar and anxiety medication  combo that was right for me. When I was 21 I wasn’t prepared to find a man who loved me, flaws and all, but I did. Even though this man had never been through what I did and really didn’t understand what it was like to be depressed he stood by my side. We have now been together for eleven years married for nine. There are still days I struggle sometimes I don’t even want to get out of bed. There are days that I have flash backs or I am over come with paralyzing anxiety, and every time those days come I still remember my mother figures words “It is okay to not feel ok” And that helps me spend time and on energy on berating myself for feeling that way, but it gives me permission to feel and then work through those emotions. 

Where has the time gone?

7 Jun

Wow, it has been about three plus  years since I have written last. There has been a lot of life lived, loved ones lost, and new loves entering the world. There have been many hard trying times, but so many more joyous ones. My family and I have moved from that going nowhere fast town, to one that has more to offer. It is funny how when you sit down and are ready to write everything you have to say just flies out the window when you have the blank page sitting before you.  I guess it doesn’t help that as I am typing this chaos surrounds me. The kids are officially off for the summer, and this is the first traditional summer vacation they will have off. I have music blasting in my ear, which I actually enjoy and my husband going back and forth changing stuff and moving stuff around.  So I think it is time for me to cut this short and come back at a later time. Just wanted to show everyone or anyone, really, that I am still around.

One of those posts

1 Apr

This is going to be one of those post were I am going to bitch and moan, and just vent. I have been working my ass off to help support this family, and for a while now I have been the sole financial support which I haven’t minded because my husband was getting his class B with the promise of a full time job. Well they still want to hire him but there is some lag in one of the processes. Well now my husband is being a jerk. He is upset about not working (which I understand)but now he has been going behind my back to get stuff (a reoccurring problem) but when I tell him that I want to get something for my health he flips out and says we don’t need it. Well we didn’t need the items he got, AND he went behind my back to do it. I don’t know what to do. He also has a friend that calls all the time and when he and I are suppose to be spending time together he is talking or texting him. Not to mention this friends wife has said horrid things about me.  What am I suppose to do?

Ramble, Ramble, insert insightful thought, and Ramble again

11 Mar

  I have been extremely busy lately with my new job (working as a bakery cashier, not a glamorous job, but I am blessed to have it.) Still a full time student and I have been doing taxes on the side. I have also started writing a new book (taking my time) so I haven’t had time to update to much(not like I have anyone waiting on pins and needles for my next post).  I think this post is going to be all over the place. You have been forewarned.

    Random thought/observation- It is an adjustment going from being one of the youngest in my social group, to one of the oldest at work. I have come to realize that the younger generation has less and less respect for others.  Now not only do they gossip behind backs, but they have no qualms with telling individuals that they are “big” or “old”. Now I am not suggesting that it does not happen with older generations, but from what I have encountered it happens more frequently with individuals from the ages of 19-25. However, for every one rude person(that I work with) there are three (again that I work with) that are nice, positive, upbeat, and genuine of all different ages. This is what helps me get up every morning and push through the negative, because there is so much more positive, you just have to get through all the nasty noise the negative makes. I work hard every day and I hope that I have in some way, made a positive impact on our customers/guest that frequent our cafe.

   As far as my schooling goes there are positive and negative as well. The positive; I am on my second to last term before I receive my A.S  in Paralegal Studies (Can I get a woot, woot!). The down side, I have been have difficulty adjusting to my work schedule and class/homework time, so I have been barely making it by with my grades. So I am taking a page out of Dora’s (Finding Nemo) book, and “just keep going, just keep going” 🙂

   So I am guessing this is all I have to update for now, but I could be wrong because I am extremely tired and I am seeing double as I am typing, so I think my writings not to shabby all things considered

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Trying to find understanding. Words will never be enough.

16 Dec

I am sitting here trying to make sense of all that has happened. I know God has a plan and purpose for everything, but I can’t see what the purpose is for taking a life all too soon. One minute he is walking listening to music, and the next he is gone. This boy had such a zest for life and one of the hugest heart I have seen. I just don’t understand the reasoning for taking this kind soul out of the world. I think he would have done so much good….this world needed him in it.

We first met him and his dad through a friend who is related to them. From the start both Father and son were kind and none judgmental. My husband and I felt so at easy with the father that we already considered him a friend right away. The son (who even at a young age was wise beyond his years) was accepting of all my children, and never judge Joe for being different like so many others had. I don’t know if he ever realized how much of an impact he made on my son. Just that simple act of offering friendship to a boy who didn’t understand why most turned him away was a light in my son’s life. We would all hang out at my friends house ( her place was were everyone gathered, friends and family alike…I guess you could say we all became a family in a way over time). The kids would all play the xbox together while the adults gossiped and hung out.

I remember the time we all went on a camping trip together. I was terrified to let Isaiah go with anyone in the water but me because I was convinced if I did, something bad would happen. It was the father that finally talked me into letting his son watch him while I swam for a while, promising me everything was going to be okay and I believed him and he was right. For those three days we hung out, fished, went swimming, and just enjoyed life and each others company. This young man was just amazing with little kids.  Last year when my son was being harassed and bullied everyday it was this boy who with out me even knowing (at first) went to the bullier and stuck up for Joe. Through a conversation I later had with him he let it slip on what he did. I don’t think he intended for me to find out. He did it because he cared, not because he wanted recognition for it. I was actually brought to tears from his selfless act. He then volunteered to look out for Joe and make sure he was okay. This was yet another act of kindness he had showed to my son who had very little experience from others his own age.

While Joe saw him more at school, I think I saw him and his father a handful of times after that. It seemed like our lives were shifting and we all had less time to gather together like we use to. Now I wish there were something I could do to make all of this go away, get a redo just this one time to change certain events but I can’t. The world doesn’t work that way not matter how hard I wish it would. Joe didn’t talk for almost three hours after we told him about the accident, he cried for about as long too. I can only image what his family is going through.  No matter how much I want to be there right now as a source of comfort and support, I also understand the need for space and time. I honestly don’t think my words would come close enough to given even a semblance of ease to the grief they are all going through at this moment. All I can do is offer my support, my thanks to the father and son who did not have to be so loving and kind to a family that was not their own, but for a time become an extend part of ours, and shared memories of times that were bright and full of laughter. Our lives are blessed for being given the time and opportunity to  know and befriend such a pure and kind soul.

A tired Mom and Wife confessional (not really that interesting)

28 Nov

 I sit tonight unable to sleep the night before Thanksgiving. Don’t get me wrong I have plenty to be thankful for. My healthy beautiful children, the roof over my head, the close on my back, and the fact that I am alive.

  I know that I am going to get flamed for the things I am going to be saying next, but I am sure if you are a wife and a mother, you have at one time or another felt this way too. Or I could be wrong, maybe it is just me that feels this way and I am a horrible person for even thinking this way. To put it plan and simple….I am tired. I am a full time student, a mother to three children and a step mother to another (which I believe has a whole new set of rules altogether) I am a maid. I am expected to keep my house perfect at all times with two twelve year old, one of which has Aspergers and the other is only here half time so it is easy for him to make a mess, but very hard to get to clean it up (and it doesn’t help that my other half takes it easier on him then the rest of the children.) I am a referee when my older child with Aspergers(who is still getting bullied at school and he is progressively acting out my self harm and shutting down) gets into screaming matches that sometimes turn physical with my youngest that has ADHD. I am also the taxi for the children to all of their tryout and feel guilty that I can’t make it to every single flag pole event on Fridays. I take my children to their Dr. appt and their councilor meeting. I show up to every IEP meeting my son(s) have. I am also expected to have food on the table every night when my husband comes home from work (which I understand, he works hard and is hungry when he comes home) I am also apart of my children’s school’s PTA not just that I am one of the officers. I promise my husband and my two youngest I would try to get more involved.Yet no matter how hard I try I still fall short, And last but diffidently not least is I try to server every Sunday at my Church, because it is God’s house and I want to honor him, buy honoring his house, so the least I can do is take out the trash, and make sure items that are need are some what there (I am still learning) But recently I have had to take a breather because my health was not so good. I had gotten an infection that cause a fever to spike to 105 which in turn cause me to have grand mal seizure . And the fact that I could never find time to refill my seizure meds and it equals  to one big disaster. I felt like nothing, like I meant nothing when the person I wanted and need the most wouldn’t stay and actually got mad at me because I wanted him to take me to the rest room….my nurse was a tiny little thing and if anything happened I didn’t want to hurt her. But I was greedy and wanted him to stay when he wanted to leave,  Thank God for the Elders at my Church who just happen to be coming and visiting me when they said I could go home. My significant other was not able to be reached by either the hospital or from my friends phone, so they were so kind and brought me home. It really was a divine intervention by God because he knew I was going to need someone right at that time and place.

There are many thing on this list that I am more than happy to do, but when it because expected of me to do it all the time like it is my duty and if it does not get done then I am wasting my day, it becomes to much. Sometimes I need a little help and I can’t tell you wither it is me being hard on myself or being indirectly told that I am not good enough because I do not measure up to some unobtainable standard of what a wife and mother is suppose to mean. During all of these thing I ask for help and most of the time I am told that they are working and can not help. I understand that providing for yourself and other can be hard, but I wish that there was a way to show  that being a mother and a wife is a 24/7 365 day a year job and we do not get vacation or holidays off. It has also been suggest to me that I am not doing enough to help support my family which makes me feel guilty because maybe there is more that I could do, I’m just not pushing myself hard enough. I am looking for employment I just can’t seem to find anyone that is will to hirer a girl that is nearly done with her Paralegal Studies, or a girl that has been out of work for so long, or maybe it is that I am far from being bilingual. It could be something completely different all together. See this is what I do, I over analyze stuff and then try to over compensate for what I precise as my short comings.

  Also since I am on a roll of air out all my grievances (writing is very therapeutic for me and I know I don’t get very many views so it is a win win for me) I know that I am not as appealing to my husband as I once was. I have it on good authority that he would like to see me at a lighter weight, and honestly I don’t blame him. I can barely look at myself. So it is with final thought that I will end my woe is me here. Everyone have a blessed Thanksgiving, and don’t worry now that I have gotten all these feels out of my head I will celebrate with joy tomorrow.


There Once Was A Girl (new poem)

21 Nov

There once was a girl who gave a boy her world

The boy did not know what a precious gift she surrenders

So he kept taking without noticing the withering of the girls soul

Today he knows, today he only sees the shell of the girl he once knew

The girl looks on through her dull tear stained eyes at the man she though she knew

She feels the pain of his uncaring, curl worlds, not understanding what she did wrong

Now they are both lost looking for the past they condemned through greed and selfishness

Destined to be alone, until they can learn how to fix this broken road they have both created

There once was a girl who gave a boy her world