The Dark Side of me working towards the Light
I think I need to share this, it might lose some friends but I have to be honest and what a great way to get thing out if you don’t a group of people that have gone through the same thing. Since I was eleven I was a cutter. It start with small things a safety pin through the fingers, or I would erase the area between my thumb and pointer finger until it was red and raw. then I would carve initials into it. I guess it wasn’t deep enough because it never scared up. As I got older it became a release from my emotional pain by hurting myself physically. I you go to my notes you can see some really dark poems I wrote during some hard times. I had tried to commit suicide when I was 19 with booze and two different types of pills. They got me in time to pump my stomach. Then again when I was 20 again pills. Now this is really hard, I tried again Last August and they put me in a Crisis Center for observation. Now I am only telling you guys this because I want to show you how far I have come from the person I was. Because of God I haven’t cut since and I have had no thoughts of killing myself. I hope one day soon I can share my story with countless youth at an event I am working my hardest to come true. I am sorry if I offended anyone. That was not my intent. I want people to know there is hope in Christ Jesus. My life is no longer mine it is His to do with what He will. T.M I am in a much better place now. I can only tell you from my experience, I felt worthless no matter what I did. Then once you get to that point it is like a Blake Vail comes all around you and you just can’t see right anymore. The world is askew and it literally feels like that is the best decision you have made in your life. No longer a burden to anyone. You have this backwards thinking that life would be better for every one if you took yourself out of the equation. Once you made the decision you have a sense of false peace. You think you are happy. I will tell you this for the point of view of someone who has had this thought process, its selfish even if we convince ourselves its not. I am sorry for your lose and I can understand people blaming and being made at B. I lost some friends, family and my husband had just figure out a few months ago he still held anger towards me for it. I don’t know if thing will ever be the same. I know I have tried to mend broken relationships but some I can’t get back. God has been with me through this whole thing and I know He has a plan for me and it does not involve me dying yet. So I take things day by day with Him by my side.