I sit tonight unable to sleep the night before Thanksgiving. Don’t get me wrong I have plenty to be thankful for. My healthy beautiful children, the roof over my head, the close on my back, and the fact that I am alive.
I know that I am going to get flamed for the things I am going to be saying next, but I am sure if you are a wife and a mother, you have at one time or another felt this way too. Or I could be wrong, maybe it is just me that feels this way and I am a horrible person for even thinking this way. To put it plan and simple….I am tired. I am a full time student, a mother to three children and a step mother to another (which I believe has a whole new set of rules altogether) I am a maid. I am expected to keep my house perfect at all times with two twelve year old, one of which has Aspergers and the other is only here half time so it is easy for him to make a mess, but very hard to get to clean it up (and it doesn’t help that my other half takes it easier on him then the rest of the children.) I am a referee when my older child with Aspergers(who is still getting bullied at school and he is progressively acting out my self harm and shutting down) gets into screaming matches that sometimes turn physical with my youngest that has ADHD. I am also the taxi for the children to all of their tryout and feel guilty that I can’t make it to every single flag pole event on Fridays. I take my children to their Dr. appt and their councilor meeting. I show up to every IEP meeting my son(s) have. I am also expected to have food on the table every night when my husband comes home from work (which I understand, he works hard and is hungry when he comes home) I am also apart of my children’s school’s PTA not just that I am one of the officers. I promise my husband and my two youngest I would try to get more involved.Yet no matter how hard I try I still fall short, And last but diffidently not least is I try to server every Sunday at my Church, because it is God’s house and I want to honor him, buy honoring his house, so the least I can do is take out the trash, and make sure items that are need are some what there (I am still learning) But recently I have had to take a breather because my health was not so good. I had gotten an infection that cause a fever to spike to 105 which in turn cause me to have grand mal seizure . And the fact that I could never find time to refill my seizure meds and it equals to one big disaster. I felt like nothing, like I meant nothing when the person I wanted and need the most wouldn’t stay and actually got mad at me because I wanted him to take me to the rest room….my nurse was a tiny little thing and if anything happened I didn’t want to hurt her. But I was greedy and wanted him to stay when he wanted to leave, Thank God for the Elders at my Church who just happen to be coming and visiting me when they said I could go home. My significant other was not able to be reached by either the hospital or from my friends phone, so they were so kind and brought me home. It really was a divine intervention by God because he knew I was going to need someone right at that time and place.
There are many thing on this list that I am more than happy to do, but when it because expected of me to do it all the time like it is my duty and if it does not get done then I am wasting my day, it becomes to much. Sometimes I need a little help and I can’t tell you wither it is me being hard on myself or being indirectly told that I am not good enough because I do not measure up to some unobtainable standard of what a wife and mother is suppose to mean. During all of these thing I ask for help and most of the time I am told that they are working and can not help. I understand that providing for yourself and other can be hard, but I wish that there was a way to show that being a mother and a wife is a 24/7 365 day a year job and we do not get vacation or holidays off. It has also been suggest to me that I am not doing enough to help support my family which makes me feel guilty because maybe there is more that I could do, I’m just not pushing myself hard enough. I am looking for employment I just can’t seem to find anyone that is will to hirer a girl that is nearly done with her Paralegal Studies, or a girl that has been out of work for so long, or maybe it is that I am far from being bilingual. It could be something completely different all together. See this is what I do, I over analyze stuff and then try to over compensate for what I precise as my short comings.
Also since I am on a roll of air out all my grievances (writing is very therapeutic for me and I know I don’t get very many views so it is a win win for me) I know that I am not as appealing to my husband as I once was. I have it on good authority that he would like to see me at a lighter weight, and honestly I don’t blame him. I can barely look at myself. So it is with final thought that I will end my woe is me here. Everyone have a blessed Thanksgiving, and don’t worry now that I have gotten all these feels out of my head I will celebrate with joy tomorrow.
There once was a girl who gave a boy her world
The boy did not know what a precious gift she surrenders
So he kept taking without noticing the withering of the girls soul
Today he knows, today he only sees the shell of the girl he once knew
The girl looks on through her dull tear stained eyes at the man she though she knew
She feels the pain of his uncaring, curl worlds, not understanding what she did wrong
Now they are both lost looking for the past they condemned through greed and selfishness
Destined to be alone, until they can learn how to fix this broken road they have both created
There once was a girl who gave a boy her world
I really have no idea if this song is going to go along with what I’ll be writing about, but I like the feel of the melody. I have been thinking a lot, and I will be the first one to admit that it is not always a good thing for me to do. Getting lost in my head can either be a great and wondrous place, or it can be a very dark and dangerous play ground for me to play in. Flood gates to memories can be opened, memories I have worked hard to suppressed. However as I get older I am learning it is bad when you suppress them instead of dealing then moving on. I know my life is the way it is because of the events that are now memories. I can be a strong mother for my children because of the things I have either done or went through, so I can watch out for warn signs. Sure I know that it is impossible for me to save my children from heart ache, but I will try to make a better life for them. By being able to do this it will in many ways will bring down a lot of risk and likelihood of them going through some of what I experience as a per-teen, teen, and young adult.
There is also positive outcomes from taken walks down the bump dark road through memory lane. I have been able to share a portion of my story in hopes of being a positive example for women and men, young and old whom have go through hell and back. I want them to know there is hope and a different kind of life they have been conditions to believe they are fated for. I know if I kept going the way I was that I would be in prison or died by now. The reason I can say this with complete certainty is because I know back then I could be easily influenced especially by the men in my life who “were deeply in love with me”. For example one man I was in a relationship with is now in prison for being a career burglar to fuel his drug addiction and another is now awaiting trail for alleged murder. These are the men I would have followed from one end of the earth to the other. I didn’t have that great of a “picker” when it came to men and I believe God finally stepped in and sent me my husband because I wasn’t doing a great job on my own. I can honestly say I am in a good relationship with a man that loves me for me. He makes me happy, so there is hope really there is.
So when I do get lost in my head at times it is like I am standing on a precious precipice. I can go one way which could lead me down a horrible trip down memories lane, and trigger a bout of depression, or it will be a cause for my inspiration. It is kind of weird how on any given day the same memory can cause the felling of being tossed down a spiraling rabbit hold laced with sharpened thorns, or it can cause a sweet release in the form of a few pages of a story to encourage others, or a few positive poems.
Just a vlog update for all to see.
can you tell I was feeling like crap after the detox???
I understand I may not be the most sociable person, and I may look somewhat unapproachable, but for those that know me, do I only show glimpses of a kind person? I know I am a very emotional person, I lean more toward the crying, numb emotion when I am hurt. I guess I could come off as uncaring if I am numb. I really don’t know what else to write. I can’t share anything anymore because I say to much I guess, but I thought that was the point of having a blog. One thing that is a blessing and a curse is it can not give any advice or talk back. Sometimes that is what I need. Just an outlet I can use to vent, yet sometimes I need someone that talks back. Maybe no one wants to talk to me because I am a broken record. skipping over and over again on the same problems. It could be that I am an irrationally, irritatedly negative person. Or that the way I see things are so off from everyone else, that I will always feel lonely no matter what. Maybe I feel too much about the wrong things. I could be wired wrong and react emotionally backwards to situations? What right do I have to feel the way I do anyway right? Especially if all I do is wine, through pity parties, and don’t have an outgoing enough personality that if something I said hurt someone it couldn’t be held against me because I am just that awesome of a person. As I think about it I really do not know how to interact with that many people. Maybe everything is my fault because I don’t truly know how to be around, and interact with others. Could it be that I play pretend and act like someone that knows how to be a friend, a wife, a mother, a spiritual Sister….I honestly couldn’t tell you. Maybe I should just suck it all up and bottle it away so I don’t have to deal with it or get real with myself. That seems to be the majority consensus. Forget about the issues sweep them away and always put a smile on your face. Who am I? Writing this stupid blog now has my mind all in knots. When I started writing it I was pretty sure I was a kind hearted giving person, but now I am not so sure. It has been said that people can only see glimpses of that person I thought I was, and that was being projected to others.
Running around, trying to take care of the family and then get all the other stuff rolling and/or started.
He loves sing this in the car. He dose know all the worlds but he was nervous and trying to reading lyrics. That is my husband in the back singing back up!